Sometimes it isn’t even safe.

I saw a post at Ace of Spades about women who love feminized men. They are calling them babygirl, and apparently both the young women who are attracted to these guys, and the men themselves consider it a compliment.

Here’s a quote I lifted from the Ace post, which I believe originates from his link to the NY Post.

A man who is “babygirl” comes across as sweet, charming, a bit bashful and seemingly in touch with their feminine side, ready to talk about their feelings or carry a purse to brunch at any point.

It’s exactly what women want and men want to become — the antithesis of toxic macho masculinity.

They are presenting it as “mental health.”

First of all, let me say without sarcasm, beware anything presented these days as mental health, and especially consider the sources.

I would like to make some comments which I hope will be shared to young women of dating age. I appeal to these young ladies to stop and consider, to think about what is important.

Not everyone you will date will be someone you want to consider for a long term commitment, or for marriage. That is as it should be. A wise young woman will spend some years learning what type of young man she will be most happy, content, and compatible with, and learning to judge people, especially men, who are trustworthy, loyal, and reliable, and those who are not.

But imagine yourself at the point of seeking a long term commitment leading to marriage. Let’s look only at the personal, most selfish aspects of the potential relationship first. Believe me, they have much wider implications.

No matter what kind of woman you are, your professions, education, race, religion, or politics, if you have the brains God gave a goose and some common sense and self awareness, you want a partner who isn’t high maintenance and doesn’t require undue effort and work.

In other words, you are looking for someone who will give as much as they take. And please note, this is a mutable, changeable, flexible give. There is no static 50/50 in a relationship. Some days it’s close, but other days, it’s all on one side, and then things swing back to a more centered relationship. Ah, and then there are, in committed, long term, stable relationships that build people, families, the world, the weeks, months, and years of one sidedness.

Those are the ups and downs of life, and not to be confused with selfishness or the shallowness of people who won’t commit.

For example, almost four years ago I had a serious fall which left me with a long term injury. Last year I had to have an ankle replacement because of it. These past years have been a trial for me, physically and mentally, and my husband bore a greater load because of it. I see that, appreciate it, and am so grateful for it. And I can honestly say, I’d bet he’s never even had that thought. We don’t have a running tally, a measuring system.

When our kids were young, it was necessary in the job he had and loved that he work and be away from home long, long hours. Sometimes there was travel. That put the burden of the day to day home life, kids, school, cooking, almost all of it, on me during the week.

A lot of men and women I know today measure that stuff rigidly, and boy, it’s important to them, but it was a way we had to live, especially since we needed the money so much. I saw it as a sacrifice on his part, not selfishness.

And so we went, year after year, back and forth, giving, taking, living, loving, sharing.

Back to your dating life. I hope that personal example illustrated my point. If you are just dating and having fun, it’s unlikely that you want to be the one who does all the work, compromising, and giving, even in a casual relationship. A babygirl, by the very definition of the word, needs to be pampered, cared for.

If you are looking for a partner for lifelong commitment, and allow me to say that if you look for a long term partner and don’t expect permanency and everything they have to give, stop there. You have some work to do on yourself. If you’re looking for real commitment, no one wants a loser, a user, a poser, a lightweight.

Let’s break this down into simple word pictures. Life is hard. Some days it throws the kitchen sink and the toilet at you. And then comes the bulldozer while you’re down. You’d better have a partner in those moments, those days, especially if you have kids. One who can stand his ground and push back hard at challenges.

One of the best feelings in the world is going to bed after an awful day and having the man you love, whose strengths see you through hard times, put his arms around you, settle you against his chest, make the world go away for a few precious hours in the shelter, yes, by golly, shelter, of his arms.

He’s stronger than you, bigger than you, harder than you. And that is reassuring, it’s a deep to the bone salve that tells you he won’t ever quit, give in, or whine when things get even harder. No, you won’t think these thoughts, more important, you will feel them.

And let me tell you this also, acknowledge it or not, you need those things. You were created to share those things with him, just as he was created to give them to you.

Throw them aside as toxic masculinity at your own peril.

Cute little harmless “babydoll” men are small fish, not big enough to be nourishing. Smile when you catch one, but throw it back in the pond because he isn’t a keeper. If you value men who overly share their feelings, who look so cute in their skinny jeans, man bun, and with their hollow chested androgynous figures and soft everything, including morals and character, then upon you will come misery, heartbreak, financial ruin quite possibly, and a lonely, lonely walk through a burden filled life with no one to share the load.

You’ll be expected to support him, emotionally always, and financially just about guaranteed during months and years when he’s finding himself, or really mentally ill. Or fired, addicted, cheating with who knows who or what, or just being his selfish, irresponsible babygirl self.

No man worthy of the title would give you a second shot if you came looking for whatever fluff sticks together such a missed the mark in every way male as this babydoll creature, nor should he.

Ladies, if you’re looking for merely pretty, for an entertaining toy, then go for it. Indulge yourself and go into it knowing the cost. Because really, you’re trying to combine two very different things. You need a best girlfriend, or several of them. That’s where you can make another type of deep emotional connection, share your fun times, your secrets, your hopes, and learn about life, guys, makeup, clothes, and yes, sex.

But if you have plans and dreams that involve marriage, babies, building a good, strong, happy, rock solid life, you’d better also look for a real man to build the foundation with. Anything less is your immaturity combined with imagination, fairy dust, and being so insecure that trooping along with the parade is more important to you than your own future.

Wanting a man secure in his own wonderful masculinity to share your life with does not make you less than him, weaker than him, though your own incredible, wonderful strengths are different than his. It doesn’t make you needy, selfish, immature, or, if you must, not a feminist or a modern woman.

It makes you a woman who knows her own mind and her own worth and demands her equal, and her due.

 

 

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