Effective one second past midnight this morning anything that happens will be because the U.S. Federal Government shut down.

If you don’t believe me, just watch television.   It will be live 24/7….
A wounded water buffalo was spotted trying to give birth on the dangerous Serengeti Plain, CNN International will soon report the cause is the shutdown of the U.S. federal government.   A man in Wisconsin missed his bus because the battery in his alarm clock ran out; Damn that John Boehner. A drawbridge near Baton Rouge Louisiana got stuck this morning – MSNBC confirms the GOP caused that.
In New York, a once joyful fifth grade teacher’s chalk broke in half right when she was about to use it on the blackboard; Peter King erupts in fury – ABC has live coverage.    If the stock market climbs, or falls, it’ll be all Ted Cruz’s fault – And NBC will be there live to walk you through it.   When the planes arrive/depart typically late, now CBS will report it’s because of Paul Ryan’s entrenched ideology – last week notsomuch.
When the sun rises today it will only be because President Obama spent the night on his knees knitting sweaters for homeless kittens while making phone calls to all the newly destitute AFSCME workers, Candy Crowley has all the details… – meanwhile the cackling voice of Michele Bachman was screaming at him from just outside his bedroom window Jessica Yellen caught up with her to ask why.
You’ll know it’s all the GOP fault, because the water carriers will tell you.   It will be unavoidable.  PBS will have a reporter standing at the base of the Statue of Liberty just to catch the tears as they fall from the closed park door.
Were it not for Harry Reid aligning the planet’s magnetic poles just the right way, those tumbling asteroids were sure to have hit Maryland, and just like Chuck Todd predicted a week ago, Mike Lee didn’t care.    Same goes for those adorable Pandas that are refusing to mate now, Anderson Cooper confirms everyone’s suspicion….it’s  all because Rand Paul won’t agree to some mandate or something.
Oh yeah, and when that penguin is born with one wing….

…..yeah, you guessed it.