h/t WeeWeed
Listen,
bear spray
DOES NOT
work like bug spray.We would like to not have to say that again.
— Oklahoma Department of Wildlife Conservation (@OKWildlifeDept) May 23, 2022
This made me think about really dumb things I’ve seen people say or do over the years. You know, the ones that are just a head and shoulders above the usual.
While I’m quite sure every profession has their own share of stupidity, years of working in retail management left me convinced that a huge number of people have no common sense whatsoever, and as most of us know, common sense is often inversely related to IQ. And education!
Here is perhaps my all time favorite unbelievably dumb story. You’re going to think I’m making this up, and it was an attempt at a joke, or someone trying to aggravate me. I promise you, it wasn’t.
Before I went into retail sales and then management, I sold building materials wholesale. My favorite part of that was selling millwork, in particular high end windows and doors like Marvin and Kolbe & Kolbe. There are dozens of details that must be exactly right when dealing with a large custom order of windows and doors, and any mistake can result in the windows not fitting, or other costly problems. Because of the complexity and expense of Marvin orders, most of my retailers simply refused to deal with their own customers and always had me deal directly with the orders.
One of the lumber yards in town had a guy who just wasn’t too bright, and he was kind of treated like the unpopular kid in school by his fellow salesmen. He was a challenge to deal with because he had a way of making errors happen and also promising his customers things that could not be delivered. I wish now, looking back, that I’d been more patient with him, not that I was cruel or unkind. But he sure made my job extra hard. Anyhow, there’s no one left after thirty plus years to harm in an anonymous story.
One job he sold had a pair of french doors in the great room. They were to be placed at the end of the long room, one on either side of a center fireplace, so naturally there was one of each hand. A few days after the order was delivered he called me in a panic, insisting I meet him at the job site to discuss a major problem with the contractor. When I asked him what the problems was, he told me the doors were the wrong hand, both of them.
I never did find out for sure if the contractor and his employees were as dumb as the salesmen or making him the butt of a bad joke. Of course I suspect the latter, but I worked with some really, really dumb contractors too.
I can’t tell you how many times they came in to Home Depot and told me they needed to know how much siding they needed for a 2,000 square foot house. Or how many roof shingles, also giving me square footage without roof pitch and other pertinent information.
Share your best stories, be they professional or from some other walk of like. It’s time to toss a little fun in the day.
”The files are inside the computer”
”The files are INSIDE the computer?”
During the great recession of 1983 -85, I had just recently graduated from college and couldn’t get a job in engineering, so I signed up with a couple of temporary agencies to make some $, while I continued the job hunt.
One job was decorating bars with helium balloons and posters of the Raiderettes (back when the Raiders were in Los Angeles). Me and another guy would race from bar to bar to bar all day, 20 minutes or so before the Raiderettes were to arrive in a caravan following us. I got the job of sitting in the back of the van with a 5 foot helium tank between my legs, sitting on an unsecured elementary school chair, filling balloons while my partner raced at top speed to the next bar. More than once was I rolling on the van with the tank banging me up.
We would get to the bar and quickly put up the decorations and leave to the next bar.
I did this job for about a week. At every bar the patrons would ask us something like “are the Raiderettes as good looking as in the posters?”
We both had to answer the entire week: “we don’t know, we’ve never seen them.” We never did see them.
“I need a standard window” I’ve been in the business 34 years and have many stories I could tell.
I was a reference librarian. On one phone call a lady said she needed help with MS Word. The guy helping her asked if she was at her computer. She replied no. He politely said it would be helpful if she was at her computer for him to work out whatever the problem was. She said, “my computer’s upstairs. I don’t go upstairs.”
Not sure how others might think, but I, for one, would love to hear the rest of that conversation……
I work for a local water department in SETX..
Customer complained that we heat the water tower during the summer 🤔
Customer complained that we turned off her hot water but the cold water was still on 🤦♀️
It’s endless…
Back when my wife and I were newlyweds, she had a coworker who was a beautiful young woman, but let’s just say not very bright at times. I’m a tall guy and Sandy (not her real name, can’t remember it actually) was probably the tallest woman I’ve personally met, at least 6′-3″. I mention that detail for no reason. One day this tall lovely young thing brings some homemade brownies to the office. My wife loves brownies and of course grabbed one. She took a bite and immediately realized something was very wrong. She said “Uh, Sandy, what’s the crunchy stuff in the brownies?” Sandy replies “Oh, that’s the egg whites!”
Yeah…
Absolutely true story. When I was a newly graduated RN I started my career as a pediatric nurse. One day we received a call from the Emergency Room. They were sending up a newborn baby boy who had been born at home and thus not allowed to be admitted into the newborn nursery. He was a large baby. A good 8 or so pounds. Covered with poo from head to toe. Born at home in a toilet. I had the pleasure of cleaning him up and getting his foot print. Once that lovely task was completed, it was necessary to find the mother who had been admitted to the medical floor. She couldn’t be admitted to the OB floor due to the circumstances surrounding the birth. I took the necessary legal documents into her room for signature and sat down to chat with her. Why was the baby born in a toilet? She told me that she didn’t know she was pregnant. (!!). She was a large framed woman but come on! He’s s big boy, surely you were gaining weight. Surely you could feel him kicking! She replied, “I thought it was gas.” What about the labor pains, I asked. “Cramps. That’s why I was sitting on the toilet when he came out”. So a childless middle aged couple living in poverty with limited mental capacity to boot. When the mother and baby were discharged to home with no preparations (!!!) the hospital arranged for visiting nurses and social services to check on them. The junkyard dogs were sicced on all comers.
Retail? Oh yeah great stuff there. 16 years Grocery biz, last 6 as a Gormet/Specialty Rep. Was in my top account one day (Publix) and one of the stock clerks I was friendly with came over and asked if I had heard of Pike brand coffee. I thought for a moment and then accompanied him to the aisle where there was an elderly woman from NY (Bronx or Brooklyn) and come to find out she was asking for “Perc” as in “percolator” coffee not “poik” or “pike”. That particular accent as most probably know makes “work” sound like “woik” and “jerk” sound like “joik”. Anyway it was a good laugh.
I worked in IT for decades before retiring. On every project we got some really stupid questions but it was better to ask. My favorite all time happened to a co-worker at a previous job while she was working on Y2K remediation. They were just starting their planning and it was going to be expensive due to updating databases, data storage requirements, coding, testing, etc. An upper level management guy (director or VP, something like that) was really frustrated with all the costs involved and finally threw up his hands and said “Well, what did we do the last time this happened?” Dead silence in the room until a manager nicely explained that none of them were alive in 999 and there weren’t any computers so… Oh, okay, I see.
And people having a broken coffee cup holder that was part of their PCs (CD holders) around that time too.
I knew a support person for Dell in the early days.
My computer won’t come on!
Is it plugged in? I think so.
Can you check to be sure? I can but it’s hard to see back there.
Why is it hard to see? The power is temporarily out.
More:
Please insert the floppy disk into the computer. I can’t.
Why can’t you insert the floppy disk? There’s already 2 in there and another one won’t fit.
I always tell my problem people – PEBKAC, problem exists between keyboad and chair. Man did I get some puzzled looks.
I’ve heard that as PICNIC – problem in Chair, not in Computer
At a large company, we’d document some computer trouble ticket errors as “I/O”.
To most this meant Input Output error.
To those in the know, it meant Idiot Operator 🙂
I used to tell challenged users that their PC was suffering from the I D ten T virus.
LOL……I can relate. Lived through it. Comical.
I was in a Y2K meeting with our most important client (oh, you’ve heard of them…) in around 1998 or so. They asked me what our Y2K plan was. I explained that I used the standard Windows time_t structure for all times, or the C++ CTime() class. If Microsoft did nothing at all, our times will start having issues in 2037 (when the 32-bit signed time_t long would go negative.) The guy in charge said “So we’re good until 2037.” Yes, totally. But I expect that even if we stay 32-bit for many years, Microsoft will change time_t to a long long type and it will be 64-bit (which is exactly what happened, but anyway) and he said “OK. Well, this meeting is over. Everyone here will be retired long before 2037, and if we’re stupid enough to not have something a lot better than this then, we deserve what’s coming to us.” And that was the last Y2K meeting I had to attend there.
Oops…PICNIC error…
(Problem In Chair Not In Computer)
Well, to quibble on a technicality (who doesn’t love a good technicality?) – with a two-digit year it would be 1899, rather than 0999. Not that I imagine any of the techs would have been alive then, regardless.
(Which is also why it’s technically incorrect to call it the “millennium bug” as some did at the time, since it’s actually a century bug, that just happened to fall on a millennium as well…)
My dad was a bum, more or less, who had a collection of other bum friends.
One, named Erie (yes), did us a favor by picking me up, at the farthest point I could catch a bus to after school.
Anyway, Erie was kind and opened the door for me to climb up into his truck.
I mean I though it was kindness …
I looked out the window of the closed door and saw Erie lock me in with a bolt and chain on the outside of the car.
I swerved my head to see the inspection sticker. Current and “compliant.”
I realize I’m not seeing this in the proper light: Erie was keeping me from falling out of the truck along the highway.
Speaking of falling out, my dad and Erie weren’t friends for much longer. My dad had some equipment he planned to sell, and told Erie that he’d share in the sale if he trailored it to a particular place and time. Erie thought better of it and stole the whole haul. Ah, the bum life.
I have lots of crappy car stories. These stories are a lot of fun to tell years later once you’ve got a working car, but not so fun while you’re living them. One of my favorite crappy car stories happened to my husband. His car had been broken into so many times that he stopped replacing the smashed window and instead he duct taped in an appropriately sized piece of cardboard. He took the car for inspection and the mechanic called and told him he couldn’t pass him because Pennsylvania law requires that all the windows be unobstructed. My husband asked if he needed glass in the window and the mechanic replied that there was nothing in the law about that and so my husband told him to remove the cardboard and pass him. My husband went to pick up his car, duct taped the cardboard back in and drove off.
I love that – the “when you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on” thinking.
It’s times like that prove we needn’t always follow the letter of the law. Liberating.
When I was 15 years old I played guitar in a union band. I was still in high school and taught guitar at a Zion Il. store.
We were playing a Christmas party at the JM Club (John’s Manville / Johnson Motors) in Waukegan Il.
I turned a little when I went to play a lead, and I accidently knocked the Christmas tree off the stage.
I had to keep playing and it was super embarrassing. The crowd was laughing and so was the rest of the band.
There were no electric lights on the tree, just those big round ornaments with the shiny thread.
I remember those red ornaments rolling out among the tables up front.
My mother was from Zion, IL and my uncle worked for Johnson motors. Fond memories visiting that part of the country
Fun to read about Johnson Motors in this thread. I lived in Trevor, WI and worked almost 20 years for Johnson until they shut down. Sure miss them.
Kind of like going “snipe” hunting that most country kids did a few decades ago. I don’t know if they still do that now-a-days.
Yes they do, We’re planning one for the grandkids this summer. My kids all got it so they are passing it on.
…and maybe when they get older,
they can try some night time, cow tipping… ?
My husband, God love him, liked to tease our daughters and they often believed him. When they each got their first cars, he told them to be sure to change to “winter air” in their tires as Fall approached. Our youngest actually asked at Jiffy Lube for them to do just that! Still laughing after all these years. Such a nice happy post in these times. Thank you Menagerie!
Karla: Everyone knows that winter air is denser than summer air, so, you need less of it and you get better mileage. Spring air makes for a bouncy ride. Driving with fall air can be dangerous, especially on bridges or roads in the mountains.
Long ago my husband worked at a Nestle plant that processed coffee and tea. Newbies were sometimes ordered to go to the farthest warehouse to get some tea beans. Eventually someone would let them know that you made coffee from beans, but you made tea from leaves. So the person would glumly make his way back to where he started, only to find all the outside doors were locked.
I once worked at a plumbing supply company. One day I received a call from an irate lady. She claimed I had sold her a defective shower valve and after it was installed she had hot water coming into her toilet and outside lawn faucet. Some of you already know what happened, but I shall continue. The brand was Moen and the valve was their best, a Moentrol. An hour or so later I was at the sales counter and she comes in with her husband. There were contractors standing around buying and talking. She angrily threw the previously installed valve on the counter. When I looked at it the problem was obvious. The brass valve has 4 inlets/outlets. One is marked “hot”, one is marked “cold”, and one is marked “shower”. The fourth is opposite the shower outlet and goes to the tub spout if necessary. Otherwise, it is plugged. This was a shower-only install and the lady’s contractor, to save space, had turned the valve sideways and put the hot inflow to the shower outlet, etc. The result was exactly what would be expected. After showing the lady what her contractor had done wrong, I offered to sell her a new valve for half price, but I told her the fault was not mine or the manufacturer. Her husband was totally embarrassed as she huffed away and the onlooking contractors were laughing. She had been so rude and arrogant from the get-go that I just couldn’t conjure up any pity. There is a saying, “the customer is always right”. That is very much untrue!
Was told by Army Aviators in 1970’s that if helicopter crash imminent, and nothing else could be done, pull down pants, turn around, and impale a$$ onto cyclic (center stick control). Purpose was to confuse the crash investigation team.
At base hospital we could hear the following, actual MD’s paged: Dr. Payne, Dr. Cheatham, Dr. Killum.
In early 1980’s, near height of HIV panic, and when tattoos were scarcer, a physician partner came through the door of our Xray reading room appearing shaken. He announced that he had stuck himself with a used myelogram needle. He described his patient as a middle aged caucasian female, so we tried to reassure him, based on those demographics. His nervous,reply, “But she had a tatttoo on her behind!”
Early in my wife’s career, she had the pleasure of having a boss who asked her how to turn off her solar calculator.
The whole HR department frequently referred to her as “the rocket scientist”, sarcastically.
My brother in law who now has 2 PHDs had a summer intern job on an island in the Ohio River. He was given a row boat and told to mark on a map of the island all the inflow and out flow pipes starting at the top of the island which was several miles long. The downstream ride was quite pleasant but going back against the current was almost break even. When he stopped to write on the map he lost ground. After several hours of that he smelled a rat. He rowed for his life to get back. A crowd of laughing co- workers greeted the exhausted guy with bleeding hands. BTW the map had fallen over board.
I was blessed to work for Bernie and Arthur 30 yrs ago- I prefer to remember all the Brilliance that they unleashed by empowering associates-
So many iconic moments, new store in South Chicago #7 in MW – some old ,short ,skinny , crusty guy who looked like he just crawled out of a sewer said there was no difference between us (HD) and Builder Sq (next block)-
I gave him a HUGE hug right in the middle of the pipe aisle – I promised him that wasn’t happening at Builders Sq.
My man was shocked and moved –
I will always love Home Depot. Bernie and Arthur built something very special.
I was attending a charity event, one of those things with all sorts of retired notable athletes, at the Grand Cypress in Orlando. Dinners and golf and schmoozing for us, the corporate sponsors.
At the opening night event we were all milling around and the wait staff was serving various hors d’oeuvres. This story is about the jumbo prawns which still had a small piece of shell on the tail for grabbing. Behind me were three men who were together and I had the belly busting pleasure of overhearing this conversation.
One gent said to the other “you really like those things, don’t you?”
To which the guy responded “Yah, I’ve never had them before” <— yes, I found that hard to believe given his 30ish looks.
The first gent then answered him saying “you know you can take the shell off”
The guy replied “No I didn’t but they’re great anyway”
It was at that point that the third guy, silent in the conversation to that point, weighed in and said “It’s a good thing for you they weren’t serving oysters”
No idea who they were but it was a damn funny conversation to overhear.
Cute story on the French doors, but I wonder how many people don’t get the unspoken punchline. Probably the same “contractors” looking for a left-handed screwdriver or a sky hook. Recently visited a neighbor with an ATV and pointed out that the V-shaped tread on his rear tires was pointed in the wrong direction. He cussed out the local tire shop that had mounted his replacement tires and vowed to pull the wheels and take them back to the tire shop and raise hell. I suggested that instead he just rotate the wheels from side-to-side. Problem solved. WAY back in high school we sent a teenage girl who was having traction issues in very light snow up to the local gas station to get the summer air in her tires changed over to winter air. I guess we’ve all been there at one time or another.
Speaking of “skyhooks” do you mind grabbing the blue circle square? It should be in the job trailer.
Leaning against the wire/board stretcher, right up-under (sic) that box full of post holes
Sounds like the roofer joke.
A roofer was watching his apprentice nail down shingles. The apprentice would reach into his bag, remove a nail, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder to the ground or hammer it into the roof.
After watching this for two or three minutes, the roofer approached the apprentice and asked him what he was doing.
The apprentice said: “When I remove a nail, I look at it to see if the head is up or down. If it’s up, I use it. If it’s down, then it’s a defect and I toss it”.
The roofer exploded: “You dope! Those are for the other side of the roof!”
You win this thread with that one, Boss.
My wife and I were at Joanne’s, a fabric-and-sewing store.
My wife wanted 2 yards of fabric priced at $3.00 per yard and took the bolt to the counter.
The 20-something girl checked a chart again and again and ran her finger down a series of numbers.
“What’s that chart for?” asked my wife.
“It tells me what number to stop at.”
“You mean, 72?”
“72 ?”
“Yes, two yards would be 72 inches.”
The girl looked skeptical and kept running her finger down the chart: “Yeah, 72.”
She then measured the cloth and cut it. Then she pulled out…
…a calculator!!!
I am not making this up!
My wife (amazed): “It will be $6.00!”
Again the girl glanced skeptically at my wife, punched in 2 times 3, and then agreed: “Yeah, $6.00.” 😉
And she wrote it on a little slip of paper which we took to the cashier, while we lamented the future of America.
Who has witnessed cashiers perplexed when say you have to pay $7.29 and you give them a 10 dollar bill and two quarters or a quarter and dime?
I used to be a cashier. I’m astounded by the people that can’t count back change let alone account for overs to minimize coin return.
In 1973 I was laid-off from work and decided to go on a “road trip” with a then fairly close friend. My friend and I were both sharp, living in a college community, but he showed a side of himself that I’d never seen before. We stopped along the way, allegedly for him to buy something, but it was really to test his con man skills. So he tried this “quick-change artist” ploy on the poor cashier, and it was working. In a subtle way, I pointed out his “error” and blew up his con.
He was a bit heated, and before he could say anything, I said, “Don’t ever do that again when I’m around.” “Why not?” He asked. “Besides the obvious of including me in your misdemeanor, it’s just wrong.” “That young lady at the very least would have to pay it back out of her own pocket, and it would likely be a small black-mark on her job, but the main thing is the terrible feelings she would likely carry for days after.”
We were heading out to San Francisco to listen to a couple of lectures, and we had to stay over-night at a rather run down hotel. I wanted to get either two separate rooms at 5.50 each or a larger room with two beds 9.00. He insisted on one room with a small “double” bed and a good sized easy chair. He said, “I’ll flip you for the bed” “Naw,” I said, ” You’ll sleep in that nice chair over there, and I’ll take the bed” “Why,” he asked? “Simple, I’m bigger, stronger, and much better trained than you, and I’ve had enough of your BS, and I think it’s time for you to see my other side, Mr. Com Man.
Thankfully, he straightened out the remainder of that trip and it went well, but I was prepared to split up and go my own way.
I once bought a manual treadmill at an exercise equipment store. It was sale priced at $99.99. At the register it rang up as $125. I asked how that could be. Sales tax was 5%. It was not possible for an item that cost $100 w/ 5% tax to be $125. The sales attendant called the manager. Between the two of them they could not understand that 100 x 1.05 <> 125. After showing them using long hand multiplication the manager agreed to override the amount that was in the register. He never did understand. He only knew that the computer said $125 and the computer was never wrong.
It really does pain me to see younger generations that cannot do simple math nor read at a high school level. They are forever doomed to low paying jobs because of this.
Not “forever doomed” … they can become politicians and be richer than you or I ever dreamed of being.
Politicians or professional sports players.
That reminds me of a visit to the fabric department of Building 19 about 20 years ago. The man in front of me placed his roll of vinyl on the cutting table and asked for 6 feet. The girl, probably in her late twenties replied “we only sell it by the yard and I have NO idea how many feet are in a yard.” Neither did he. So I told them “three feet”. After grabbing a calculator she managed to figure out two yards. Even back then it was hard to find good help…
I have a file labeled WHY TEACHERS DRINK. It’s filled with pictures of students’ wrong yet hilarious answers.
Example…
Q: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
A: At the bottom.
Q: What happens during puberty to a boy?
A: He says goodbye to his childhood and enters adultery.
Q: Briefly explain what hard water is.
A: Ice.
Sorry Kitty but the answer for the first question is correct. The question is poorly written. If you wanted to know in what city then you should have asked that.
How do I know. The first year I taught high school chemistry I asked a question that about 1/3 of my students all came out with a different answer than I expected on the word problem.
I took a breather and reverse engineer there answer. It turned out that the question was poorly written and you could solve the problem and come up with their answer rather than the one I was looking for.
My favorite test question that appeared many times on various tests throughout high school was “Who is buried in Grants tomb?”
I came up with the right answer but it took a minute or so, but many classmates did not.
There many puzzled looks with one student asking out loud “Was this even in the book”?
It was funny at the time.
I didn’t write these. They came from teachers who took pictures of the actual answers. But I agree the question was poorly written.
I liked them as they were both cute and funny in good ways.
The first and third answers are technically true.
Reminds me of a story my brother tells; he was taking a test in med school and one of the questions was, “Can you track the blood as it leaves the heart and travels through the body and re enters the heart? ” A classmate of his answered, “Yes”. The professor had no choice but to pass him, (but later got with him and made sure he knew the answer!)
I’ve been told by a lawyer that this is in fact EXACTLY how you should answer questions if you are ever on the witness stand – exactly what they asked, and no more.
Years ago I worked for General Electric Computer Service. I was a field tech and went to fix an old laser jet printer that the toner cartridge had exploded in the printer. Lots of toner. Anyway, I had my handy dandy tech vacuum. I was vacuuming out the toner and the vacuum got stopped up. I was young and dumb and hit the suck blow toggle switch a couple times real fast. I was holding the vacuum wand straight up beside me. I didn’t realize that the receptionist with very blond hair and a white skirt suit was standing beside me. This was in North Carolina, so imagine the most country accent you can saying “Is it is my hair?”. I looked up and it was one of those oh crap moments. It was in her hair and she was literally black from toner on her left side from the waste up. This was big 90’s blond hair. A couple of guys in nearby cubes looked over and started howling with laughter. All I could say was, yea, it is in your hair and a few other places. Felt terrible.
Hard day and emotionally drained. Got in the trench today and fought against an senior engineer for my client who has no idea the battle took place. I would rather fight 10 bad guys on the far side but you cannot bring a rifle to an engineer meeting.
Four weeks ago I was concern about product flow through the beast. The spec was 570 cubic feet per hour, per mix bin. We must to move .159 cubic feet, translates to 275 cubic inches per second through a 23 square inch opening. Night before the meeting wrote those numbers on paper folded and placed in my back pocket. For seven hours I listened to all forms of obfuscation, misdirection, dismissal, numbers that were just “errors” and despite email evidence backing my claim, the engineer continued to protest. Each attempt was rebutted with facts. I lead the conversation to the salient point concerning product flow. Until that moment his concern was volume, mine was flow exiting the metering wheels. The engineer finally made the same calculation I did last night. I asked if his numbers were correct, yes the reply. Pull my rump note, opened and placed on his desk, pointing to the same conclusion. His eyes got big and to his credit manned up to the mistake. Live testing confirmed need for redesign and then a remarkable thing…he thought out loud where the mistake was made. He said the specification drove the design. I said no the design path and past experience influenced your build. He paused, understood what I said and asked how did you know. I replied more failures than caring to admit and noted you copied a design feature from past builds. He replied should have caught it but was swamped with other projects.”
15 years ago, I would have drop plenty of F bombs, stomped my feet and declared how and why I was right. Now behind closed doors, through a painstaking process, built the case and let him come to the conclusion I did.
After the test, confirming product bridging, the engineer immediately starting working on a new design and again I directed him to the most cost effective solution to meet spec. He agreed and our combined experience found a workable solution.
Not bad for a salesman parachuting into the engineer world. For a moment I was the smartest man in the room, tomorrow I won’t be. Truth is everybody won today. Fabricator didn’t have to send a crew 1800 miles on his coin to modify in the field, client didn’t have to worry about my integrity, and I get to sleep well tonight.
I worked at a fancy store in CT and periodically the builder would give us an addition. Beautiful, colonial-style architecture. The builder called himself a “housewright.”
One day shortly after opening a new building, a customer admired the millwork (tons of crown molding) and asked, “Is that wood or is it the plastic stuff you get at Home Depot?” I assured him it was wood.
Just so happens the builder was in the store office shortly thereafter and I told him what the customer asked. He turned 14 shades of red and griped, “DON’T THOSE PEOPLE JUST MAKE YOU SO MAD????” He was such a purist. 🙂
He’s probably long gone so…..
Framing foreman calls architect and tells him there is a problem with the drawings.
The house being put up is the architect himself’s new dream show home….
NO THERE ISN’T says bullheaded architect! I checked those drawings myself! Build it as drawn!!!
Month later the architect shows up with prospective client to see said arcs personal new house being finished out to be impressed how great the arc (thinks he) is.
They arrive and there is a temp staircase built to an upstairs window and finishing carpenters carrying trim up the steps.
Arc is furious! WTH is going on?
Can you guess what was wrong with the drawing? LOL till I fell down!
I personally know a guy, not realizing he was looking at the second-floor layout at the time, framed the first floor with a 2-foot cant-a-lever over the back of the foundation. He only realized his mistake when the roof trusses were 4 feet short. Lol!
I was sent on a disturbance call at a full-service gas station in the early 80s. Mid age female driver of a Porsche 914, and teen male gas attendant could not figure out where the gas fill was on the 914. The teen overfilled the engine block by pumping gas into the oil fill.
I was releasing an 18 year old poorly educated female out of our jail, when we passed the marked maintenance “Electrical Room” door. The Gal turned to me with big wide eyes and said “Is that where ya all keep the ELECTRIC CHAIR?”
Some time ago, I went in to a fried chicken fast food joint for the first time in many years. I was hungry and just thought a few pieces of fried chicken sounded good. I walked up to the counter and eyed the menu.
Then, I told the young girl behind the counter that I’d like three pieces of chicken.
She asked, “Crispy or Regular?”
I replied, “I don’t care, either.”
She insisted, “CRISPY or REGULAR?”
I thought about it for a moment, then replied, “Um, ok… crispy, please.”
She immediately responded, “We are all out.”
True story.
Went to a chicken joint and ordered a two piece dinner. They told me sorry we are out of two piece dinners, we only have three piece and five piece dinners left.
lol
If you need an anti-dumb antidote, look up the one who DIDN’T panic on the Titanic.
The ship’s baker Charles Joughin helped hysterical passengers as long as he could, between shots of liquor, then just “stepped” off the Titanic before she was consumed by the Deep:
https://allthatsinteresting.com/charles-joughin
… and survived.
Patients who have risks for heart disease may need a “stress test” to find if they have any undeclared blockages in their heart vessels. They either go on a treadmill or have a medicine given to them to increase their heart rate.
I had a patient whose primary care MD declined his stress test because he was having sex 2-3 times every night and there was a lot of sweating and heavy breathing. Those were her words. She was from a different country and maybe language was an issue but she really thought that his sex life made him “cleared” for surgery.
So, I take it she had, ehem, intimate knowledge about his stamina?
I once dated a lady who could not cook but she knew I really liked lasagna. She was so willing to surprise me and when I arrived the entire pan looked absolutely delicious. I mentioned the pleasant smell of garlic, she mentioned the recipe called for two cloves.
Sat down to enjoy that first bite, phew! overpowering garlic. Come to find out she understood a clove to be the entire bulb and put two entire bulbs in that 9×13 pan. We parted ways a few months later.
LOLOL………awesome. God bless her for trying!
A little like when my wife and I, recently married, went to join my parents for our first newlywed holiday dinner. I made a Swedish Tea Ring. It was the first time I had ever cooked with yeast. It was superbly beautiful but when I dove in to cut it, it was as hard as cement. It was only then, over the laughter, that I was told high water temps kill the yeast.
The difference between my story and yours is, for who knows what reason, my wife is still with me and we all still laugh about it 39 years later.
Just looked up Swedish tea ring – that’s now on my list to make! Congrats on 39 years!!
I’m telling you, if I would have shellacked it, it would still be as glorious looking today as it was that morning. Good luck!!!
And thank you on the number, 41 years together, she is, without question, the greatest thing that ever happened to my life and the catalyst of my success because I wanted her to be as proud of me as I was just to have her by my side. Cheers & God bless.
Aw, even I’m disappointed in the outcome, being a lasagna lover myself!
One of my first married meals was sesame chicken. I was a sloppy, overconfident cook, so I grabbed what I need, bam-bam-bam, it’s ready and in the oven. While it was baking, I retraced the steps in my mind – something seemed wrong … ah! I used the bright orange box instead of the light yellow box.
I turned to my husband and said, We have to order pizza.
Why? It smells good!
I explained the error (baking soda instead of cornstarch), but he insisted on trying it after it cooked.
He did – not one full chew before he spit it out and cried “Blech! Battery acid!”
LOL………….we all have those experiments gone awry but they make great chuckles for years to come.
In college, 6 male freshman/sophomores stayed in our apt. for Thanksgiving instead of going home. we all had a project and I was in charge of mashed potatoes. I kept blending and blending the butter and milk but could NOT get them soft. Nothing I did worked. We were stumped. One of the female co-eds stopped by and I asked for help. She asked how long did I boil the potatoes… yeah, I didn’t know you had to boil them first :-0
Hysterical. Thanks for sharing that one. It sucks when we’re the stupid ones. And if you’re like me, you have a laundry list of them over a lifetime.
Example: I was running a corporate golf outing one year, It was a scramble and the teams were, in some cases, co-ed, if you will.
When I bought the trophies in advance I had to get the figures as both male and female because I would not know, until the end, the winning team composite would be. However, I asked them to make all the trophies male and, as needed I would make appropriate changes at the course.
Best laid plans of mice and men, our group was about the last to get in. It was chaos, because I was late, as I sorted through all the score cards and began posting the scores. It became very apparent that the winning team had one lady on it.
So, in my rushed mind I simply blurted out, while holding a trophy in one hand and a female golf figure in the other “can I get someone to mount a female for me”
You guessed it, every guy in the clubhouse raised their hand and the roar of laughter was deafening.
A while back, I developed electronic security plans for various commercial buildings, warehouses and corporate headquarters. Generally, I worked from schematics, as-builts and drawings provided by the customer, often times they were submitted to me as pdfs. As it happened, I was asked to turnover a small project to one of our new employees. I forwarded the pdf to the new associate and after opening the pdf on the laptop I saw him lifting the laptop, turning it sideways and upside down trying to read the drawing. He didn’t last a year.
I am the least mechanically inclined person on the face of this planet. 40 some odd years ago, I had a couple of friends working on my car. We were doing this in my father in law’s driveway. There were a few beers being consumed as “we” worked on my car. My friend that was in charge told me to go ask my father in law for a metric crescent wrench. Of course without thinking I did exactly that. My poor father in law just stood there shaking his head and saying over and over “damn, son, just damn, son”. My friends were just rolling around the driveway laughing.
We have a residential remodeling company and I can most definitely relate with the ” I have a 2500 sf house, how much to re-roof it?” I had a customer who insisted that the square footage of the house was enough for me to give her a “ballpark” quote over the phone…when I said that there are alot of other factors to take into consideration…she interrupted and said “I’m not interested in any other factors, I just want a number…” WTH??
Working for Motorola, Test Engineering. We supported production test equipment.
Test station goes down on a production line. I get called to go fix it. I walk out to the production line, get the cover open on the Test Station (When the cover is up and you have a meter down in the equipment, you aren’t running production test. A 3rd grader knows that.) This is the actual conversation:
Production floor manager (PFM) comes walking up and stops where I am working.
PFM: Is that test station broken?
Me: Yes. (I was trying to suppress a look of “You idiot”)
PFM: What’s wrong with it?
Me: I don’t know, I just got started on it.
PFM: Well, how long will it take to fix it?
I assume at that point that my efforts at suppression the “You idiot” look were going to fail.
Me: I don’t know.
PFM: Will it take 15 minutes?
Me: I don’t know.
PFM: Well, will it take 3 hours?
Yes, he was that stupid. I just told him I don’t know what is wrong with it, and I don’t know how long it will take to fix it. If I don’t even know what is wrong yet, how can I tell him howl long it will take to repair it. So, being the polite Southern redneck that I am, I extracted myself from the guts of the test station, stood straight up to my 6-3, 275 lb height, looked down at him straight in the eye.
Me: I. DON’T. KNOW.
The PFM gets a sour look on his face and stomps off. He must have sprinted to his bosses office. Next thing I know, the plant manager calls me. Wants to know what I said to the PFM.
I recited the above conversation word for word. Plant manager said, “Okay” and hung up.
Didn’t see the PFM for the rest of the day. Got the Test Station repaired and running in 20-30 minutes.
The PFM was a pushy, obnoxious guy who would try to bully people. Nobody liked him very much. I don’t think he like me very much after that. When I told him “I. DON’T. KNOW.” in a calm, clear but not too subtle manner, he backed down really quick. But when you do your job right and don’t smart off (like I really wanted to), stating facts will more than often carry the day for you. It did with the plant manager because he knew I did good work and didn’t slack off.
Your story reminds me of a sign a computer repair shop (from decades ago):
Computer Repairs – $25 / hr
Computer Repairs + Questions – $35 / hr
Computer Repairs + Questions + Watching the repair – $75 / hr
It’s the PITA fee that will get ’em!
In-depth computer hardware lesson for $50, not a bad deal.
I found this to be helpful, as I often am asked “How long do you think this bug/feature will take to fix/implement?” All without having really looked into it at all. I tell them “I can guess, and it will just be a somewhat educated guess. Or I can spend an hour or so and tell you a pretty exact number, or maybe even have it done by then. Which do you prefer?” If they want an estimate right then, I just shoot them something big, like 35 hours. “But are you sure?” No, not even a little bit. But that’s how long it will take me if it ends up being really tricky. It probably won’t, but if I tell you 2 hours without actually diagnosing the issue, and it ends up taking me 10 hours, it will be my fault won’t it?”
I had clients that were teally rude mean and vulgar. They were closing on a house within 5 miles of the vacaville fires and we would not fund the lian until the fires receeded. Every other client of my colleagues who found themselves in this position were grateful and wanted to wait. My clients became progrssively more abusive on the phone, to which i would remain silent for a moment then tell them that i was ending the call. About 9 months later i get them as a lead from our call center and call them. Apparently, they treated the call center guy just as bad and he wouldnt do business with them. So i call them and ask her why she is calling us after the last experience and calmly let her knoq we didnt want their business.
On a tour of France, we often saw warning signs for speed bumps. They used a symbol of a humped cross-section of a speed-bump, but which also bore some resemblance to a Napoleon-style military uniform hat!
Sure enough, eventually my wife asked me what these signs meant, so thinking on my feet, I explained that the proud French placed a sign in every location where Napoleon’s hat had been swept off his bald head by the wind!
She accepted this for an instant, but noticing my efforts to suppress a smirk, quickly realized the joke!
Years later, we were dining with another couple, and I began to recount the BS explanation of the sign. Before I got to the part where it became obvious it was a joke (but after my wife kicked me under the table!), the lady half of the other couple turned to her husband and exclaimed “See, I told you so!”
My wife kicked me again, but even harder!
An even better one about traveling abroad… do you ever have the silly temptation when you meet someone in a foreign city to ask them if they know a person from there that you know back home?! Well I often did, but refrained from it, until we were talking to a couple in a bar in Aberdeen, Scotland.
At the end of our visit, I was tempted to ask if they knew “Joe and Josephine” who currently lived very near us in “Jonesville”, US.
But before I succumbed to the impulse, the man of the other couple nudged his partner and said “Oh, go ahead and ask, you know you want to!”, at which point she asked if we happened to know those very same people! Imagine their shock when we said we did!
In fact, they assumed we were playing a prank on them, until we were able to describe a number of fairly personal details about their friends, where they worked, hobbies, etc.
My partner and I were sitting in our patrol car one night when the dispatcher came on the radio and advised the officers on a neighboring post of a complaint.
The other patrol responded that they were prepared to copy and told the dispatcher to go ahead with the info.
The dispatcher instructed them to respond to the Motel 6 and see a Mr. Tom Bodett about a suspicious individual.
My partner and I started to chuckle, but then we really lost it when the other patrol asked which room Mr. Bodett was in and the dispatcher replied, “He said, he would leave the light on for you.”
On Jake Tapper at CNN with Covid broadcasting from his house:
Snellville Bob 3 hours ago
What! He is not wearing a mask. According to Fauci, Covid can spread throughout the internet.
Not if you use anti-virus software.
I retired from the Maryland State Police after 31 years. I witnessed and heard of some of the dumbest things over that time. Probably the dumbest was told to me by one of our trooper medics who flew on our msp helicopters. He said they got a call to fly to a location in Southern Maryland for two serious hand injuries.
Upon arrival he observed a man and woman who had lost all the fingers on both hands. Lying near by was a lawnmower.
It seems the husband had this brilliant idea how to trim their hedge, so he got his wife to help him lift their running mower to cut the top of the hedge. The ambulance crew was able to locate most of the fi ngers and the trooper medic took them with him to the John’s Hopkins Hand Clinic.
Some time later I had the occasion to respond to a industrial accident where a guy lost several fingers at a stone crusher plant. I was able to find his fingers and put them in a zip lock bag to hopefully get reattached. I started carrying those bags just in case based on the story that trooper medic told me.
My grandfather cut the little finger and ring finger off his left hand while using a table saw.
The ambulance crew gathered the amputated fingers and took them to the hospital with him, where they reattached both fingers.
The doctor told her if it happened again to put the severed digit in a zip lock bag.
When he cut the little finger off a second time, my grandmother just put it in a zip lock bag and drove him to the hospital.
Super Troopers!
Surely some of you who worked in IT got a call from someone asking how to find the “Any key” on the keyboard.
Basic training: your other left!
When I was a kid on a trip in the car, my dad would point to a farmers silo and say “that’s where that little boy died”. What happened? He ran himself to death looking for a corner to pee in. I have played that joke many times.
In one of my years in college, we got a brand new rookie teacher fresh out of grad school. Nobody had seen her. The classroom was noisy with conversation and laughter when she walked in. She was beautiful and had on a really short dress. I turned to a friend and said out loud,” G.. d..m look at that”. When I said that, the class got quiet as a church. I don’t think she knew who said it because I passed that class.
I’m in the aviation maintenance biz. There are many items on aircraft that have allowances for wear, etc.
Anyway my favorite story is about an aviation “professional” who asked me, with all seriousness, “so, how far below the minimums can you go”. I thought he was joking so I flippantly told him you can be as unairworthy as you want, just don’t have any passengers on board.
My comment wasn’t received very well, but I never did see the back again!
Once upon a time I worked for a company that make checks. People would call in their orders and most orders went smoothly. One day a young woman called in saying she wanted checks and told me her name and other pertinent info. I then asked for the routing and account numbers for her bank and was met with total silence. Finally she said, ‘Oh, I don’t want them to have a bank or account listed on them. I want to be able to go to any bank and cash a check whenever I want.’ Sigh. She did not end up with any checks from us.
She now works for the Federal Reserve.
In one of several careers I’ve had over the years, I worked with a number of British expatriots who had come to the US in the 1970’s as part of the UK brain drain of that period.
All of these people possessed an intensely dry wit which was displayed at every appropriate opportunity.
So I asked one of these expatriates what kind of dry wit criticality incident would occur if too many of these people were placed too close together in the same room.
“It was called the British Empire,” he replied.
Sundance, I spent several years working for Andersen Windows, on the production and distribution side. Of course we had the old trick question we would always try out on the new folks if for instance a few window frames were a bit off.
We would tell the “newbie” ; “can you find our supervisor and ask him for the frame stretcher?”
Once located, of course our supervisor would always respond, “the frame stretcher is already loaned out. ” Lots and lots of takers.
skyhook, incorrect door hanging, been there done that. Anyone remember asking the rookie on the carpentry crew to go and get the pine welding rods when he made a short cut?
I worked at the race track in high school walking horses . If they could , the staff would send dummies looking for a left handed bull whip, or a bucket of steam . Luckily my buddy had informed me of such shananigans.
But I applied it to my work situation in construction . Sent one of my workers for a siding stretcher ,lol. The whole crew got a good laugh ,and it started a nail fight . Ducking nails on a scaffold isn’t too much fun . The guy wasn’t dumb , we were just convincing, and we’re still friends to this day !
Worked in a facilities engineering team as part of an electronics repair facility for a major aerospace defense contractor. My little 3 man group got shifted around the org chart quite regularly due to higher level re-org movements.
Once we wound up reporting to a manufacturing production supervisor. A nice enough man but never had any engineering experience. He went from being a tech to a supervisor. He assigned a project to us to research and for me to report our findings.
About a day after assigning the work which we realized would take us about 3 days total to complete, he strolled by my desk and asked if I could give him a progress report. OK, I said that will take me a maybe an hour to prepare. Ok says he.
About 20 minutes later he strolls by and asks how the progress report is coming. I reply that I am organizing our findings into general categories to clarify what we’ve found so far. Ok says he. About 15 minutes later he wants to know how my progress report is coming.
I looked at him and asked, “So you want a progress report on the progress report?” He looked at me a bit puzzled as my two coworker were shaking in the chairs trying to hold back laughter. I swear that I saw the light bulb come on over his head…
Then he smiled, shook his head and said, “OK, you got me. I wont bother you guys any more.” and walked away. My two coworkers turned in their chairs and told me that they were taking me out for drinks after work on their dime. Which they did.
PS – we turned in the research report the next day – a day early – and the boss was very pleased. A bit sheepish about his almost becoming a nuisance, but pleased. He worked marvelously with us from then on. Sometimes you just have to be a tactful smartazz. ….