(author unknown) WOULDN’T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN, GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?
‘My Fellow Americans:   As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed.  Since Congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.  This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq.   This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists.  One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short.  The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, Israel, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world’s nations are on that list.  My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases indefinitely.  The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.   THEN EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER IT’ll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.   Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic?  Help with incredible disaster?  Call France, Greece,  Germany, Russia, North Korea or China please.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.  On that note, a word to terrorist  organizations.   Screw with us, even just a little bit, and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.    If you are thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize?  Try Russia, China, North Korea or any country on list #2.
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with those nations outlined on list #2.   Thanks for all your help, comrades.  In addition we are retiring from NATO as well.   Also I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed.  I don’t care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzs’, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world.   Gotta love New York.
A special note to our neighbors:  Surprisingly Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.  Mexico is also on List 2.  Its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment.  I will have a couple thousand extra tanks and infantry divisions sitting around.   Where I am going to put ’em?  Yep, border security, who needs gators.
Oh, and by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty – starting now.  We are tired of the one-way highway.   Beginning immediately, we’ll be drilling for oil in Alaska -which will take care of this country’s oil needs for decades to come. If you’re an environmentalist who opposes this decision,  I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there.   It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, … err, ‘darn tootin.’
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet.   While we have layed our blood on various soils in defense of your nations interests you have looked upon us with distain.  We have subsidized your economies by using our military resources to defend your nations, thereby allowing you to avoid the cost of your own aparatus, yet you view our presence with contempt.   So you better learn to defend yourself.    It is time to eliminate hunger in America.  It is time to eliminate homelessness in America.   To the nations on List 1, a final thought.  Thank you guys.  We owe you, we won’t forget, we’ve got your back.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought:   You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

“God Bless America . . . Thank you and good night!”