Comrades, if you live in Derp Blue Washington State you now have to show your papers to eat at a restaurant.   Governor Inslee and The Ministry of COVID compliance are requiring all restaurants to keep a list of all diners names and addresses.  No papers, no service.

Additionally, the powerful blue Ministry of Los Angeles is extending suspension of the first amendment and economic freedom for an additional three months.  Anyone who exits a building is required to wear a mask outside.

All your freedoms are belong to us.

Meanwhile the Michigan Ministry led by Governor Gretchen Whitmer has suspended the occupational license of a non-compliant barber who refused to adhere to the dictates of the state.  The rebellious outlaw unlawfully trimmed the hair of fellow rebels.  Fräulein Whitmer was not pleased with the rebellion and dispatched the regulatory arm.

On a positive note, rapid increases of open rebellion against the Blue Team have been identified.  The citizen rebellion is starting to align with the freedom and liberty banner of the Red Team.  The open totalitarian nature of the Blue Team’s oppressive ideology is creating a backlash which could carry the Red Team to a big victory in November.

As a reminder, the virus has a genetic targeting mechanism able to differentiate between essential cans of vegetables, bottles of liquor, lottery tickets and non-essential products like sneakers or furniture.  The virus will also target specific venues.  To avoid an increased infection rate it is critical for American citizens to only visit Home Depot, Lowes, Costco, WalMart & other large institutional retail systems with influential lobbying offices near the Covid Mitigation Ministry.   

Effective compliance and mitigation requires that everyone must avoid the small business operations where the virus is more prone to hide out and attack consumers.  The scientific data-hubs in/around K-Street in Washington DC must lead our careful decision-making.

Remember, the Ministry is working closely with regional governors to outline the greatest threat.  Walking on a golf course in Massachusetts is safe-behavior; however, if you carry a particularly shaped stick and swing it at a ball, the virus will immediately target you.

These granular distinctions are very important to understand.

Currently in most regions the virus is allowing dogs and cats to have their fur trimmed. However, if a human attempts to commercially reduce the length of your sideburns it will create a viral hot-spot potentially putting the health of our planet at risk.

The rebel alliance has noted that specifically random viral targeting appears much more prevalent in the regions where people formerly wore genitalia on their heads.  There is a possibility this could be propaganda because there is not enough conclusive scientific data assembled to quantify the merit of this claim.  Confirmation efforts remain ongoing.

In almost all regions of ministry control, furniture purchasing seems like one of the most potentially dangerous activities.  Out of an abundance of caution these consumer hubs of activity have been shut-down; however, the Ministry is evaluating how the virus would respond if cans of vegetables were placed within the building. 

According to the most extensive study conducted so far, commercial buildings with cans of vegetables appear to be the safest venue allowing congregation and proximity.  It is unknown if moving canned foods and sandwiches into the furniture stores, or other less traveled venues, would transfer the benefits of virus mitigation.  The Ministry has a teleconference with scientists and industry experts scheduled later this week to analyze this question.

In the interim, the Ministry would like to remind you the greatest danger is the type of purchasing you make.  Large box retailers with dense populations are safe-spaces.  Smaller business with less density are hazards; and houses of religious worship are death traps due to their propensity to promote the most critically dangerous activity of all, fellowship.

Because the literal health of our nations’ citizens is at risk, we must remain resolved to keep all hospitals and patient facilities closed and at precipice of financial ruin.

Remember, we are all in this together; and to prove how critical this is to the function of our American society, we must all stay apart.  Your compliance is appreciated.