Almost a full year has been spent creating vast Russian conspiracy narratives to sell Russia as the cause of Hillary Clinton’s failed campaign for the presidency. Thousand of hours and tens-of-millions of dollars have been spent trying to prove the vast planetary Russian conspiracy theory.
Today CNN drops their investigative bombshell: Pokémon Go did it !!
Yes, that’s right… Apparently Comrade Pikachu and Comrade Charizard formed a brigade of militant Russian Pokémon characters and appointed General Jigglypuff to formulate the anti-Clinton campaign strategy.
Here’s how it started. WATCH:
According to CNN’s exhaustive investigation: Mewtwo and Zaptos led an advanced reconnaissance team near Ferguson, Baltimore and New York while reporting back to Blastoise who was hiding in the mid-west and spearheading the communications effort.
The strategy was brilliant.
All Articuno needed to do was talk to the old man in Veridian City and choose the option of “No” when he was asked if he needed a tutorial on how to catch Pokemon. As soon as that was accomplished, he flew to Cinnabar island, and, unknown to the Clinton campaign, if they surfed along the right side of the island, right where the water touches the land, the sixth item in the election inventory was duplicated a bunch of times.
This approach allowed Moltres to gain an invisible shield where John Podesta would no longer be able to track him. Once cloaked General Jigglypuff gave the order to create virtually unlimited amounts of Masterballs or Gold Nuggets. Whatever else you might think of the plan this strategy was brilliant.
Hillary Clinton never saw it coming. Many young players at the time didn’t get it, but there were only two fighting Pokemon other than Machop in the plan. Hitmonlee, always a phenomenal kickboxing Pokemon, and Hitmonchan simply by using his fists, (obviously protected by large red boxing gloves), were able to shift the entire electoral map by keeping Brian Fallon from seeing Wisconsin.
Once they had everyone distracted, via the baby form, Tyrogue, everything else simply fell into place.
Michigan fell once Mewtwo found the puzzles and, well, after going through a few floors of the dungeon, he simply used powerful psychic attacks on Tim Kaine and the rest is history. This made Trump’s entry into Pennsylvania start around level 70 and Podesta was unable to close the gap because by that time he didn’t save any Masterballs.
The annals of 2016 electoral history will always be remembered for the incredible efforts of Lugia, Ho-Oh, Celebi, The Legendary Wolves, Meowth, Dragonite, Bulbasaur and the fossil Pokemon. Though Ash will likely argue for a long time they should not gain as much public praise as Comrade Pikachu and Comrade Charizard.
Damn those Russians are brilliant.
Now, you probably got this far, had a few snickers, and likely thought I’m joking right?
Well, if you were smiling while reading… I warn you you might break out into epic fits of uncontrolled laughter….
Because, I’m so not kidding, WATCH: