Pick Your Battles…

d9d51-mouse-mission-impossible

“This Chicken Will Cut You!”….

At a home goods store somewhere in Texas.

(Originally posted in 2011 – By Ad Rem )

Late last night, while surfing the intertubes, I struck comedy gold. This story has all the requirements of great writing: a compelling plot, true friendship, some marital tension, a lust for adventure, and last but not least… a five foot tall chicken. Having come this far, I’m going to have to issue a warning….this may be a ‘Girlie Thing’. Having said that, the smart guys will consider this valuable opposition research. And, before any of you try this at home, be aware that you really have to build up to this kind of amazingness…it doesn’t just happen in the first couple years of marriage.

 

(The Bloggess)…This morning I had a fight with Victor about towels. I can’t tell you the details because it wasn’t interesting enough to document at the time, but it was basically me telling Victor I needed to buy new bath towels, and Victor insisting that I NOT buy towels because I “just bought new towels“. Then I pointed out that the last towels I’d bought were hot pink beach towels, and he was all “EXACTLY” and then I hit my head against the wall for an hour.

Then Laura came to pick me up so we could go to the discount outlet together, and as Victor gave me a kiss goodbye he lovingly whispered, “You are not allowed to bring any more g*ddam towels in this house or I will strangle you“. And that was exactly what I was still echoing through my head an hour later, when Laura and I stopped our shopping carts and stared up in confused, silent awe at a display of enormous metal chickens, made from rusted oil drums.

Laura: I think you need one of those.

me: You’re joking, but they’re kind of horrifically awesome.

Laura: I’m not joking. We need to buy you one.

me: The 5-foot tall one was $300, marked down to $100. That’s like, $200 worth of chicken for free.

Laura: You’d be crazy not to buy that. I mean, look at it. IT’S FULL OF WHIMSY.

me: Victor’d be pissed.

Laura: Yup.

me: But on the plus side? It’s not towels.

Laura: Yup.

me: We will name him Henry. Or Charlie. Or O’Shannesy.

Laura: Or Beyoncé.

me: Or Beyoncé. Yes. And when our friends are sad we can leave him at their front door to cheer them up.

Laura: Exactly. It’ll be like, “You thought *yesterday* was bad? Well, now you have a enormous metal chicken to deal with. Perspective. Now you have it.”

Then we flagged down a salesman, and we were all “What can you tell us about these chickens?”, as if we were in an art gallery, and not in a store that specializes in last years’ bathmats. He didn’t know anything about them, but he said that they’d only sold one and it was to a really drunk lady, and then Laura and I were all “SOLD. All this chicken belongs to us now.”

So he loaded it onto a trolley, but Beyoncé was surprisingly unstable, and the giant 5 foot metal chicken crashed over onto the floor. And Laura and I were all “CHICKEN DOWN! CLEAN-UP IN AISLE 3″ but he didn’t laugh. Then the manager came to see what was causing all the commotion, and that’s when he found the very-conservative salesman unhappily struggling to right an enthusiastically pointy chicken which was almost as tall as he was. The salesman was having a hard time, and he told everyone to stand back “because this chicken will cut you“, and at first I thought he meant it as a threat, like “That chicken has a shiv”, but turns out he just meant that all the chickens’ ends were sharp and rusty. It was awesome, and Laura and I agreed that even if we got tetanus, this chicken had already paid for himself even before we got it in her truck.

“Knock-knock, motherf*cker.”

Then we got to my house and quietly snuck the chicken up to my front door, rang the doorbell, and hid around the corner.

Victor opened the door and looked at the chicken in stunned silence for about 3 seconds. Then he sighed, closed the door and walked away.

Laura: What the f*ck? That’s it? That’s the only reaction we get?

me: That’s it. He’s a hard man to rattle.

Victor was surprisingly pissed that I’d “wasted money” on an enormous chicken, because apparently he couldn’t appreciate the hysterical value of a 5 foot chicken ringing the doorbell. Then I said, “Well, at least it’s not towels” and apparently that was the wrong thing to say because that’s when Victor screamed and stormed off, but I knew he was locked in his office because I could hear him punching things in there. Then I yelled through his door, “It’s an anniversary gift for you, a**hole. Two whole weeks early. 15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.”

Then he yelled that he wanted it gone, but I couldn’t move it myself, so instead I said okay and went to watch tv. Then when the UPS guy came I hid, but he was all “Dude. Nice chicken” and Victor yelled, “IT IS NOT A NICE CHICKEN”. Which was probably very confusing to the UPS guy, who was just trying to be polite, Victor.

Victor seemed more disgruntled than usual, so I finally dragged the chicken into the backyard and wedged it into a clump of trees so that it could scare the snakes away. Then I came in and Victor angrily pulled me into his office so that I could see that I’d stationed Beyoncé directly in front of his only window. And I was all “Exactly. YOU’RE WELCOME.” I told him that he could move Beyoncé if he wanted to, but he totally hasn’t. Probably because of all of the giant rocks I piled on Beyonce’s feet to dissuade burglars. Or possibly because Beyoncé is growing on him. Still, I can’t help but think that we wouldn’t even be having this argument if Beyoncé was towels. Honestly, this whole chicken is really a lesson in picking your battles more carefully. Plus, he’s awesome and I can’t stop giggling every time I look at him. Beyoncé, that is.

Best. 15th anniversary. ever.

This entry was posted in Mike Brown Shooting, Political correctness/cultural marxism, propaganda, Typical Prog Behavior, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

67 Responses to Pick Your Battles…

  1. Videodrone says:

    OK, I’m a guy and it made me laugh for the first time today – Thanks!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. auscitizenmom says:

    What a great story. I’m still laughing. )

    Like

  3. maryfrommarin says:

    First time I read this. Tears came.

    Consider the wealth of verbal memes that could come from this:

    —“Chicken Down!”

    —“Dude. Nice chicken.”

    —“At least it’s not towels .”

    Liked by 3 people

  4. cohibadad says:

    I want one

    Liked by 1 person

  5. nameofthepen says:

    Poor Victor. No wonder he was in such a fowl mood. He sounds henpecked. I mean, just look how she eggs him on. I think their marriage at this moment is probably not anything to crow about. 😛

    Liked by 16 people

  6. xschild says:

    The chicken does not interest me at all. However I do want that mouse Yes, I really want that mouse and all it’s little gear to hang over my computer. Smiling until the morning.

    Like

  7. nameofthepen says:

    Liked by 1 person

    • auscitizenmom says:

      The funniest part was the cast list at the end. LOL 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • rashomon says:

      Please tell me they are going to be “forever pets” forever?!?

      Liked by 1 person

    • justfactsplz says:

      Thank you so much for posting that. I just finishing watching the Florida Governor’s race debates and needed something lighthearted. We used to have chickens in all colors and they all had names. My D.H. got so much joy out of them. We gave them away when we had to move. I think next spring he needs some more to give him happiness. I liked them to.

      Liked by 3 people

      • nameofthepen says:

        Justfacts, I would LOVE to be able to keep some!
        There are some beautiful and/or fascinating breeds out there.
        Check these out:
        http://www.poultryclub.org/breed-gallery/chickens/
        One that has always appealed to me is the Sebright. They come in silver or gold tones.

        Like

        • justfactsplz says:

          Thank you for the link. My husband will enjoy it. We had beautiful silver banty rooter that would get up on his shoulder and sit on the back porch. Unfortunately something go in the hen house somehow and killed him. My husband set traps and it was two huge raccoons. The hen house got reinforce so thy couldn’t dig under any ore.

          Liked by 1 person

          • nameofthepen says:

            Hey, Justfacts – that stinks. Yeah, have a lot of “prepper” and “return to basics” type channels I lurk on at YouTube.
            Lots of great ideas on how-to’s in the eternal quest for the perfect chicken coop.
            And prevention of predator invasion is high on the list.
            Everything from trenching around the fence line, and installing the wire mesh down a couple of feet, then re-filling the ditch, to electric fence wires around the outside, etc.
            Did you see the other vid I just now posted at the bottom of this thread? I think your hubby would like it. 😉
            Let us know when you get some more chickens, OK?

            Like

          • nameofthepen says:

            Justfacts, I got to watching chicken vids, lol, and ran across a couple I just had to come back and share with you.
            Also, the man’s whole channel AND his website completely kept my attention for hours!

            Beautiful, video of his chickens:

            A talk about one of the types of predator deterrents he uses.

            His YouTube channel. Several categories of vids. The man is an artist, too.:
            https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVmPauAlOLKR9QZzFKn-uFw

            His website. Just lovely:
            http://www.fredsfinefowl.com/

            Like

    • Mist'ears Mom says:

      Hah ha I loved that and the story too! I swear that’s my neighbors backyard…and chickens. Moved from the big city and now I have chickens next door-lol!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. justice099 says:

    This chick be cray cray

    Like

    • I have had three ex wives just like this! The “fowlness” I have “wit-Nest” would “scramble” the “yolk” of anyone. My “feathers” have been “ruffled” beyond description. The constant “pecking” and “clucking” were bad enough, but what “hardboiled” my “egg” was their constant “crowing” about who was the “cock of the walk”, until I HAD to “fly the coop”, before my “giblets” fried. OK….not true, I was and AM a perfect “hatch”…er, I mean catch and I cannot understand why they would take “wing”. My credentials are “eggsactly” the way I present them, without any “dye” on my “shell”. Oh what the heck, the whole subject just “fries” my “drumsticks”…..I think it’s time to “roost”, I mean turn in…..On second thought, just “scratch” everything I’ve said……..

      Liked by 2 people

  9. kikimom3 says:

    Delighted to see The Bloggess quoted here!

    Like

  10. I haven’t laughed this much since I saw where the UN has sent two lawyers to find Detroit guilty of human right violations because they cut off water to people who wouldn’t pay their bills and then I read the comments following the story. Hilarious!

    http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2014/10/21/detroit-disappointed-in-uns-non-fact-finding-visits-about-water-shut-offs/

    Seriously, the chicken story was really funny as I laughed all the way through it. I could hardly read through my tears! Thanks for the laugh….we all needed that.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. lovemygirl says:

    Loved it. I wont talk about the day a big pink metal pig grill showed up unexpectedly at my home. 😉

    Like

  12. Plain Jane says:

    Oh my goodness. The chicken story is funny, the comments are funny and the video is funny. Love it. Thank you for the laugh Sundance.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. rashomon says:

    I had a friend like Laura for many years and we used to get IN SO MUCH TROUBLE for similar pranks, antics, memes-gone-wrong…those at risk called us “the evil twins.” Thanks for reminding me of frivolous joys that still evoke hoots and howls years later — the best way to remember a good buddy is always through laughter.

    (I think I have that mouse, but he needs a friend.)

    Like

  14. justfactsplz says:

    I liked this story even more this second time around.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. thefirstab says:

    I.am.crying. !!!
    😂😂😂😄
    This sounds therapeutic…

    Like

  16. ctdar says:

    Ahhhhhh so that’s the origination of the giant treehouse rooster…

    Like

  17. joshua says:

    I have visions of such a chicken crawling over the white house fence, racing across the lawn to the door, dogs trying to bite it and breaking a tooth and running away frightened, the SS firing shot after shot to ricochet off the wings, while Obama opens the door to admit it, pins a note onto it that says “Happy Birthday Michelle, your chicken has come home to roost and he wants some more broccoli and turnips NOW” while grinning that HopieChangie tooth-showing grin like when Holder tells him that the GOP is on the run and the Speaker of the House just caught Ebola and might be dying.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. nameofthepen says:

    Have you hugged a chicken today? 😉

    Like

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