“This Chicken Will Cut You!”…Learning To Pick Your Battles.

At a home goods store somewhere in Texas.

(Originally posted in 2011 :) ) Late last night, while surfing the intertubes, I struck comedy gold.  This story has all the requirements of great writing:  a compelling plot, true friendship, some marital tension, a lust for adventure, and last but not least… a five foot tall chicken.  Having come this far, I’m going to have to issue a warning….this may be a ‘Girlie Thing’.  Having said that, the smart guys will consider this valuable opposition research.  And, before any of you try this at home, be aware that you really have to build up to this kind of amazingness…it doesn’t just happen in the first couple years of marriage. 

(The Bloggess)…This morning I had a fight with Victor about towels. I can’t tell you the details because it wasn’t interesting enough to document at the time, but it was basically me telling Victor I needed to buy new bath towels, and Victor insisting that I NOT buy towels because I “just bought new towels“. Then I pointed out that the last towels I’d bought were hot pink beach towels, and he was all “EXACTLY” and then I hit my head against the wall for an hour.

Then Laura came to pick me up so we could go to the discount outlet together, and as Victor gave me a kiss goodbye he lovingly whispered, “You are not allowed to bring any more g*ddam towels in this house or I will strangle you“.   And that was exactly what I was still echoing through my head an hour later, when Laura and I stopped our shopping carts and stared up in confused, silent awe at a display of enormous metal chickens, made from rusted oil drums.

Laura:  I think you need one of those.

me:  You’re joking, but they’re kind of horrifically awesome.

Laura: I’m not joking. We need to buy you one.

me:  The 5-foot tall one was $300, marked down to $100.  That’s like, $200 worth of chicken for free.

Laura:  You’d be crazy not to buy that.  I mean, look at it. IT’S FULL OF WHIMSY.

me:  Victor’d be pissed.

Laura:  Yup.

me:  But on the plus side?  It’s not towels.

Laura:  Yup.

me:  We will name him Henry.  Or Charlie.  Or O’Shannesy.

Laura:  Or Beyoncé.

me:  Or Beyoncé. Yes.  And when our friends are sad we can leave him at their front door to cheer them up.

Laura:  Exactly. It’ll be like, “You thought *yesterday* was bad?  Well, now you have a enormous metal chicken to deal with.  Perspective.  Now you have it.”

Then we flagged down a salesman, and we were all “What can you tell us about these chickens?”, as if we were in an art gallery, and not in a store that specializes in last years’ bathmats.  He didn’t know anything about them, but he said that they’d only sold one and it was to a really drunk lady, and then Laura and I were all “SOLD.  All this chicken belongs to us now.”

So he loaded it onto a trolley, but Beyoncé was surprisingly unstable, and the giant 5 foot metal chicken crashed over onto the floor.  And Laura and I were all “CHICKEN DOWN!  CLEAN-UP IN AISLE 3″ but he didn’t laugh.  Then the manager came to see what was causing all the commotion, and that’s when he found the very-conservative salesman unhappily struggling to right an enthusiastically pointy chicken which was almost as tall as he was.  The salesman was having a hard time, and he told everyone to stand back “because this chicken will cut you“, and at first I thought he meant it as a threat, like “That chicken has a shiv”, but turns out he just meant that all the chickens’ ends were sharp and rusty.  It was awesome, and Laura and I agreed that even if we got tetanus, this chicken had already paid for himself even before we got it in her truck.

“Knock-knock, motherf*cker.”

Then we got to my house and quietly snuck the chicken up to my front door, rang the doorbell, and hid around the corner.

Victor opened the door and looked at the chicken in stunned silence for about 3 seconds.  Then he sighed, closed the door and walked away.

Laura:  What the f*ck?  That’s it?  That’s the only reaction we get?

me:  That’s it. He’s a hard man to rattle.

Victor was surprisingly pissed that I’d “wasted money” on an enormous chicken, because apparently he couldn’t appreciate the hysterical value of a 5 foot chicken ringing the doorbell.  Then I said, “Well, at least it’s not towels” and apparently that was the wrong thing to say because that’s when Victor screamed and stormed off, but I knew he was locked in his office because I could hear him punching things in there.  Then I yelled through his door, “It’s an anniversary gift for you, a**hole.  Two whole weeks early. 15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.”

Then he yelled that he wanted it gone, but I couldn’t move it myself, so instead I said okay and went to watch tv.  Then when the UPS guy came I hid, but he was all “Dude.  Nice chicken” and Victor yelled, “IT IS NOT A NICE CHICKEN”.  Which was probably very confusing to the UPS guy, who was just trying to be polite, Victor. Victor seemed more disgruntled than usual, so I finally dragged the chicken into the backyard and wedged it into a clump of trees so that it could scare the snakes away.  Then I came in and Victor angrily pulled me into his office so that I could see that I’d stationed Beyoncé directly in front of his only window.  And I was all “Exactly. YOU’RE WELCOME.”  I told him that he could move Beyoncé if he wanted to, but he totally hasn’t.  Probably because of all of the giant rocks I piled on Beyonce’s feet to dissuade burglars.  Or possibly because Beyoncé is growing on him.  Still, I can’t help but think that we wouldn’t even be having this argument if Beyoncé was towels.  Honestly, this whole chicken is really a lesson in picking your battles more carefully.  Plus, he’s awesome and I can’t stop giggling every time I look at him.  Beyoncé, that is.

Best. 15th anniversary. ever.

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About Ad rem

Millions of little gray cells wrapped in fur.
This entry was posted in Humor & Quizzes, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

64 Responses to “This Chicken Will Cut You!”…Learning To Pick Your Battles.

  1. WeeWeed says:

    EXACTLY. :D

    • Ad rem says:

      Hey….just how COOL is Texas? They have these 5 foot tall chickens everywhere! (I didn’t know it ’til I got to the end of the story, but I kinda want one too now.)

      • WeeWeed says:

        I’ll try to pick one up for ya on the way home tomorrow!

        • Ad rem says:

          I love “Home Good” stores…well they’re owned by TJMAXX so they are automatically good in my book. Honest to gawd….we do not see this kinda stuff in LA. Hey…I bet if a cop saw you with one of these in the back seat……. ;-)

          • stellap says:

            I’m with you on Home Goods and TJMaxx. Favorites of mine too. I’ll have to look for the giant animals in my area!

    • Lhlaredo says:

      That’s what a great marriage should be, enjoyable, caring and sociable even on disagreements.

  2. stellap says:

    LOVE this! That will teach him!

  3. sylvansylph says:

    I forwarded this to my husband at work…can’t wait for his reaction!

    What a great way to start a day…

    …pass the chicken, please!

  4. Patriot Dreamer says:

    :D

  5. All your chicken are belong to us.

    I got nothing, except that this is why guys die earlier. And not from the tetanus. ;)

  6. Hee hee heee. Ok, this is not funny.

    “Police: Accused NJ Man Hired Mistress to Kill Wife. Paid with Giant Metal Chicken.”
    http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/08/20/police-accused-new-jersey-man-claimed-bias-in-wifes-killing/

  7. G8rMom7 says:

    I have a friend that posted this blog on FB a while back. I know for sure, my husband would be the one buying the chicken. If I came home with that, he’d LOVE it. He’s weird that way.

    • Ad rem says:

      I bet you’re one of the lucky women….the ones whose husbands will actually go into a store with them and discuss a purchase. (*sigh*)

      • G8rMom7 says:

        Uh no…that is not him. He just buys a bunch of weird stuff….and he’s a “collector” so he has all kinds of useless stuff that he THINKS is going to pay for his kid’s college. Rrright.

        He DOES NOT help me in shopping for things we need like towels or sheets.

    • michellc says:

      Yep, that would be something my husband would buy and I’d be the one having to say okay you can buy more boy toys just don’t bring home anymore 5 foot chickens.

      We were at an auction one time and they had this 12 ft. tall bucking bull made out of some kind of metal. When I saw it I turned to him and said who would buy that thing unless they had a western store or bar or something. He looked at me funny and said who wouldn’t want that? I told him you better not buy that thing. Next thing I know they’re auctioning that thing off and he’s bidding on it. I run over and tell him no, he said you told me I couldn’t buy it you didn’t say I couldn’t bid on it. Thank goodness others wanted it worse than he did and some poor woman’s husband spent $1000 on that stupid thing. She was having a fit, asking him if he was nuts paying $1000 for that thing and how in the world he was even going to get it home. He told her I haven’t figured that out yet but they got it here so I can get home. She then yelled at him where do you plan on putting it, he said in the front yard, I’ll even let you plant some flowers around it. I felt sorry for her but sure was glad it was her and not me.

  8. TXMom says:

    Thank you for redemption, Ad rem! I immediately sent this to my hubby…..uhm…….he’s dealing with my huge metal pig at the moment. :-D

    • Ad rem says:

      Is this ‘giant metal animal’ a Texas thing…..like all things are bigger in Texas? Out here in SoCal we never see cool stuff like this…or maybe it just gets all bought up before we even see it. :-(

  9. WaltzingMtilda says:

    I so HEART the Bloggess. Y’all should read the rest of her site…she’s hysterical.

    Poor Victor.

    • Ad rem says:

      Oh yeah….Cynthia Yockey turned me on to Jenny (The Bloggess) a couple of years ago.
      Victor needs to appreciate this woman….she’s gonna keep him young, or to an early grave….one of those two.

  10. Jennifer H says:

    Awesome! Gotta get my hubby to read this :)

  11. Auntie Lib says:

    It’s not easy being green – as in JEALOUS!!! The closest Home Goods store is over 600 miles away. (Heavy sigh.)

    • Ad rem says:

      OMG….there are no locations in Montana? Nearest one is in Boise Idaho?? Where on earth are you guys going to buy your five foot tall chickens now? (We don’t have ‘em in LA either….all the good stuff never makes it here. Not even the chickens want to live in California anymore…….)

  12. Bijou says:

    LOVE her front door(s)! I’m looking for a new one, so doors are currently top-of-mind. LOL!

    Anyway, I have my own chicken collection, perched around my kitchen. I made myself stop, though, before something like this happened. “Less is more.” Haha!
    However, today I was an accomplice in a much more serious shopping adventure. A girlfriend (who doesn’t drive) asked me to take her out to look for a new sofa. We found a great one in the very first store we went into. She was just thrilled and we still had bags of time, so she said she wanted to go look at used cars, ‘just for fun’.
    Well….she had fun, alright. She bought a Nissan Sentra! Slightly used…but a real peach!
    We took it for a test drive and it was great. Fantastic price with a wild extended warranty, that’s good till 2017!! I told her if SHE didn’t buy it, I WOULD!
    Slam, Bam, Thank you, cute salesman!

    Girls just wanna have…shopping! ;)

  13. NM Pancho says:

    has anyone told you 5-foot-steel-buying-chicken hippies that you are all…..well…..kinda…strange?

  14. Elvis Chupacabra says:

    Ol’ Victor must be a typical T-sip (for non-Texans, that is a pejorative describing persons that matriculated at Texas University… most couldn’t get into TAMU), lacking in both humor and taste. Heck, as a Aggie, I’d consider it the finest of anniversary gifts. In fact, if I can find one, I’ll buy it for myself! I’ll even get ‘im spray-painted Maroon & White!

    If victor ain’t a T-sip, I’ll wager he at least barracks for their sports teams. Probably a Cowboys fan, too! :-)

    Gig ‘em Big Metal Rooster!!

    • TXMom says:

      Hi, E.C. Aggie! Somehow I think that big, strong as metal chicken belongs with the colossal, sturdy, and forever persevering Texas Longhorn. That big ol’ chicken just won’t look right with that little ol’ collie dog, if ya know what I mean. :-) Love, T-sipper.

      • That’s aw’right Ma… being an Ag school, we know what makes a Longhorn steer, a steer. It ain’t jus’ the horns that git chopped off! But that’s a metaphor for Austin, isn’t it? :-)

        Gig ‘em!!

        • TXMom says:

          LOL. It looks like I need that metal chicken. Due to the drought and heat, we just lost a beautiful hen today. All summer long I’ve been doing everything I know to cool them down; this heat’s gotta break soon or we’ll most likely lose some more. :-(

          • Sharon says:

            I’ve been thinking about you all for weeks now. The day-after-day kind of heat that you folks have had this summer is, at the very least, completely exhausting. On a long seige like this summer has been, it becomes life-threatening in so many ways. I’m sorry about your hen, and realize that is just the tip of the problems for Texans. (couldn’t bear to say “tip of the iceberg” there….)

            • TXMom says:

              Awww, thanks, Sharon. I talked to a cattle rancher the other day. He said after two years in a row, if the drought extends into next year he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. Ranchers are selling off their herds due to lack of forage. Hay is getting scarce. Many of the ranchers’ creeks and ponds are dried up. Me? Sad though it may be, I’ve only lost a hen.

              • Sharon says:

                Yeah, I know it’s “all relative” but when I think about your hen, the cattle herds are in the picture as well. And that rancher. Since the lizard in the White House wants to set us off against one another, I just wanted to take the opportunity to tell you that somebody from way up north is caring about what you (and that rancher and hundreds of others like him) are dealing with. The lizard doesn’t have a CLUE what the ranchers deal with when they are successful, and how “they make it happen”….and he certainly doesn’t have a CLUE as to what they deal with they are trying to make good judgments in bad times.

  15. zmalfoy says:

    Oh my, my sides are hurting, I was laughing so hard!

  16. Pingback: Filthy Lucre and the Lost Art of Chicken Herding « New Farm Adventures

  17. Sharon says:

    I had totally forgotten–now my sides hurt.

  18. Flaladybug says:

    ROFLMAO!!! My hubby and I will celebrate our “15th” in May…..FINALLY I KNOW WHAT TO GET HIM!!! Thanks for the HUGE LAUGH…..of course my kids are now looking at me kinda strangely!! ;)

  19. woohoowee says:

    LOL! All Im’a say is…I hung that RED wallpaper, with FLOWER looking things on it, in the bathroom. Cuz I bought it :-). Fallin’ off the ladder while doin’ the job wuz just entertainment!

  20. ctdar says:

    Lol…got plenty of TJM/Home Goods around here, if anyone wants me to do some recon; shippin will be the bch!

  21. Wraith says:

    Whoever shows Mrs. Wraith this post is dead meat. I do NOT need her getting ideas. ;)

  22. Joel says:

    I truly don’t see what her husband has against hot pink bath towels. They are perfect for putting under a cat litter box and they are also great for containing engine oil spills. Yes, let the wife use them once, but after that the hot pink towels are fair game.

  23. justfactsplz says:

    There is a small town in Florida that has this outdoor market full of yard items. They have huge iron roosters and everything else. I collect chickens and this made me laugh. I got the towel message. My ex husband liked auctions. One time he wanted to buy this HUGE knight’s armour. When I protested he ended up buying this HUGE ugly velvet wall hanging. Be careful what you say to hubby or wifie. The knight would have stood in one corner of the room. The wall hanging took up the whole wall.

  24. ZurichMike says:

    Instead of getting mad, the guy should have gone out and bought a new power screwdriver or golf club. On the other hand, what silly behavior on both sides, and then to blog about it? Really? I have a good sense of humor, but find it all a bid childish (and poorly written to boot).

    This would not happen to ZurichMike and his partner, who are both minimalists, a situation that is part aesthetics, part practicality (who wants to clean, dust, or insure so much crap?). Not much in the way of heirlooms (none, to be exact), and two sets of white towels per person, plus 2 sets of guest bath towels (also white). If we 4 guests (unlikely), the other two guests use our back-up sets of towels. No pink. Ever. House is earth colors: burgundy, sienna red, taupe, dark greens (not all in the same room, of course). Our rule of closets #1: if you buy something, you have to throw something of equal value / shape away. You buy a new shirt, you must toss an old one (or give it to charity). Rule of closets #2: if you haven’t worn it in two years, it goes to charity. Buy less, enjoy more.

  25. BertDilbert says:

    Heh, Ok here is my TOWEL STORY.

    Back when I was married my wife went to a bathroom shop and brought home an expensive set of designer towels/washcloths that were very fancy. She placed them on the towel racks in the bathroom.

    I take a shower and when done, grab one of the towels to dry off. She flips. “You are not supposed to use those towels… THOSE ARE OUR SHOW TOWELS”.

    Somebody should have let me in on this plan, because I was not aware that we had people who would be interested in having our towels shown to them. The new plan was when I wanted to take a shower, that I had to grab one out of the drawer. Nope, could not use our SHOW hand towel hanging there either,,,

    Having parted ways, I can now hang a towel on the rack and use it without fear,

    To any single men out there, as soon as a woman displays show towel mentality… RUN! Your house space will soon consist of a tool box and a small corner in the garage and you will only have that so somebody can change the oil in her car.

  26. jello333 says:

    Chicken down! :) :) :)

  27. ed357 says:

    Ahhh…………

    Married bliss……..

    I remember my wife TELLING me that she had to go shopping for a new dress for a dinner party…..like an idiot I asked her to keep the price down to something reasonable as we were running tight on money……$200 seems to be the number.

    She returned home with 3 dresses for $600……when i asked her about the $200 limit, she explained that each dress was originally $400 a piece and that she had save me $600 and wasn’t I proud of how frugal she was……

    She must have been a DEMocRAT……making decisions with her emotions without the benefit of logic. She became someone else’s problem after I got the court to null and void my life sentence.

  28. LadyRavenSDC says:

    Reblogged this on LadyRaven's Whisky In A Jar – OH! and commented:
    Funniest thing I’ve read in forever! This spot is NOT known for “funny” but as a woman, and knowing there are a “few” others who visit here – I couldn’t resist the re-blog.

    Having hailed from the Big T and having four sisters I can attest to the state having its share of big, giant, awful/funny sculptures. AND – women with humor running thru their bloodstreams instead of blood.

    The FABulous chicken story, as well as others in the conversation stream, demands I correct a misconception (for those in need) about Texas – starting with well known – Don’t Mess With Texas! The ORIGINAL of that (until the cowboys got hold of it and we just patted their little Stetsons and saved our fights for things like pink towels, 5′ chickens and jihadi) was – Don’t Mess With Texas Women! That is all….

  29. LadyRavenSDC says:

    Ah the morning from hell – just in case….. the reference to “this spot is NOT known for “funny” – I was referring to LadyRaven site. :-)

  30. Josh says:

    Found this well written (in a *like* sort of way) and funny :-)

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